Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love) Read online

  I wanted it again. It was so self-centered of me, but I knew somehow her taste, her touch would heal me from the inside out. It was funny. I’d been with other women since that day, yet only her kisses were what I dreamed of and could soothe my demons. I wouldn’t go so far as to say the sex with those others wasn’t good. It was, but the dream of having Roxanne Waters seemed forever present in the back of my mind.

  I needed to know if that same feeling would be there if I kissed her again. I wanted to know if she possibly would feel the same. Roxie and I felt something back then. I could only hope she could forgive me. In the back of my mind though, I wondered if she forgave me, could I forgive myself? I also knew she didn’t deserve the misery of getting involved with me or to know the darkness that follows me. I must be a cold bastard for even thinking I could have just a kiss—and then walk away.

  Roxie, Roxie, Roxie, Roxie.

  Chapter 3

  Roxie

  I couldn’t believe I told him yes, I’d have coffee with him. What was I thinking? It’s plainly obvious that he’s trouble. A sexy, grownup trouble…a trouble I can’t afford. I didn’t even know if I could handle this kind of trouble. It came time for my shift to be over. Maybe he would let me out of my misery and not show. Okay, well misery is a harsh word. I’m way out of my league here and I knew it. Bad boys didn’t usually want me.

  “Hey boss, I’m ready to take over.”

  I look up and my relief is in and as always, she’s thirty minutes early.

  My friend, Candy Minton. She and I have been friends ever since high school.

  “Thanks Candy. I’m going to go into the office and reconcile something. The front desk is all yours. Make sure you remember to put down that you came in thirty minutes early, so we can pay you for that.”

  “I will. Thanks for always letting me do that. Every little bit helps, need to get these damn bills paid.”

  “No problem.” I smiled. I didn’t want any thanks but I didn’t tell her that. I’m definitely preoccupied and struggling with the fact that I was going to see him. I hurry over to the office and close the door behind me. I’m excited. I move to the small bathroom and check my makeup in the mirror. I needed to refresh it. I go to the desk, grab my makeup bag and head back to the bathroom. I have to make quick work of it.

  Scrutinizing myself in the mirror, I brush on a little more eye shadow, and a little more eyeliner, then a last bit of lip gloss. My makeup is always light. I don’t overdo it. I’ve been blessed to have one of those faces that really doesn’t need much enhancing.

  I sigh and head back into the office to look at the paperwork on the desk. I don’t want to touch it; not right now anyways I know it will be waiting for me later. I’m so hyped about Cruz and I can’t help but wonder what life would’ve been like if I’d gotten more than just those stolen kisses from Cruz.

  It really wasn’t just about the kisses. It was everything before and after that. I always had plans to be an actress. To leave this small town and prove I could be somebody, not just Roxanne Waters from across the tracks, whose father owned the motel on the hill. Most of my days were spent at the motel and my nights were spent taking night classes at the local college. I wanted out of Arlington Heights well—that was true about 5 hours ago, before sexy Cruz came back into my life.

  A quick glance at the wall clock tells me it’s time to get out of the office, so I can wait for Cruz at the front desk. I grimace as my stomach once again, becomes aflutter with nerves. He makes my heart beat fast and my insides heat up. I head out of the office, and as I walk up behind the counter, Cruz is there with a brilliant grin on his face. Damn. That smile, this man equaled to something very lickable.

  His dark hair looked damp and combed back. He’d changed into a pair of blue jeans and a black button down Oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up. “Are you ready for that cup of coffee, Roxie?”

  Hell. I felt ready for coffee—ready for anything right at this moment. I barely, just barely hear the goodbye from Candy and manage to mutter a goodbye back. “Yep, I am.” I move from around the counter and walk next to him in a comfortable gait that soon matches his. This was going to be fun. Well, I hope it’s going to be fun.

  “So, is that little coffee shop still on fifth and Exeter?” Cruz asked me as we stepped out into the fading sunlight.

  It looked like such a beautiful evening, I couldn’t help but pause. The summer breeze seemed cooler in this part of the state because of the ocean. Though, for the area we’d had some record highs. Today wasn’t one of those days. The smell of the sea filled my lungs and I like it. I take a deep breath and sigh. “Mmm-hm, Mr. Bonaventure still owns it.”

  “I remember him having the best coffee and cinnamon rolls. Huge cinnamon rolls. Would you like to head over there with me? I’m buying, and of course you can get what you want.”

  I wondered if he realized that even though he’d been gone, a lot of people from the town had never left. This meant we were bound to run into people who recalled who he was and what happened. If he didn’t care, I wasn’t going to care about it—at least I was going to try. “I’m starving; I’d hoped you’d say that, you’re buying.” I giggled.

  He rolled his eyes. “Damn, I forgot you had a serious appetite back in the day. In school, you could eat with the best of them, I see that hasn’t changed.”

  “Nope it hasn’t.”

  Cruz looked me up and down. “How do you keep such a sexy figure?”

  “I do Pilates and jogging when I get the chance, plus I’ve always had a great metabolism.” He thinks I’m sexy!

  “You look fabulous Roxie.”

  I grin. Its great knowing he thinks I look sexy and fabulous. Yeah, I mean I’ve been told it before but it didn’t seem cheesy to me since it came from him. Cruz saying those words seemed magical somehow.

  He leads me over to his car. I remember this car well and had seen it a lot throughout the school years with Cruz. A sixty series mustang in mint condition, painted in a fabulous cherry red. He held the door for me. I climbed into the passenger seat and buckled up. I watch him get in and start the car.

  There was nothing sexier to me than a mustang. Other than this man who drove it, hot being just one of the words to describe it. There were so many other words that came to mind, concerning the overwhelming sex appeal. “Wow, you still have this?” I ran my hand over the side of the car. This car was a powerhouse in my opinion, so sleek.

  “Yeah it’s one thing that I was unwilling to leave without. He owed me this at least.”

  Owed him? I could only guess he meant his father. What’s that tone I hear in his voice and the look in his eyes when he gazes at me? It sounds like a mixture of anger and something I couldn’t quite place. Just as soon as I notice it, the look was gone and he turned on some music. In my heart of hearts, I totally figured out that it wasn’t meant for me. All of that emotion is meant for someone else.

  Cruz then put on some soft classical which was a definite surprise.

  Classical? Deep. It’s amazing how a memory of something can bring a mood down. I want to ask him more, but I feel it isn’t my place to ask. I find myself hoping he’ll tell me at some point. Which I think is asking for a bit much, we haven’t seen each other for years and to think he would just open up like that? I gazed out through the window, watching the scenery go by as he drove.

  “I know what you’re thinking.” He said with a hint of laughter in his words.

  I turned to look at him. “Sure you do, you’re psychic right?” I scoffed and rolled my eyes at him.

  “Yep, that’s exactly what I am.”

  “Ha!”

  I heard him chuckle and he continued to drive, not letting me in on his little secret of why he knew what I was thinking. I let him get away with it for a few more minutes. The tension finally seems to dissipate and I can breathe with ease again.

  “You’re wondering about the classical music.” Cruz was right on the money, this wasn’t a question but a stateme
nt by him.

  With his voice, I jump, as I’d gotten lulled into complacency by his silence. Peering at him beneath my lashes, I give him a brilliant smile. One of those full smiles that show teeth, it was a practiced smile I’d taught myself years before when stardom was the goal.

  We arrive at our destination and he parks. Cruz doesn’t say anything else. He gets out and like a gentleman, comes over to my side and opens the door, helping me out on to the cooling asphalt. He places his hand at the small of my back and we walk to the door together.

  Even in my work heels, I’m not a petite woman but against him, I always felt small. The scent of his cologne wraps around my head and entices me into more salacious thoughts of him as if I hadn’t gone there enough already.

  He opens the door and we step in, pausing for a moment as the change in lighting causes the need to adjust one’s eyes. The loudness usually heard in a restaurant dies down and all heads turn our way. There’s recognition in the eyes of the people who’ve lived here all their lives.

  I square my shoulders and stay close to his side. Fuck them. I’m with him and I wasn’t going to let them make me feel bad about it. I can’t resist asking him if he’d rather go somewhere else. “How about we try one of the places on the boardwalk?” The boardwalk is about an hour away and it would get us out of town.

  Cruz is shaking his head. “No, I belong here just like anyone else.”

  There’s truth in those words, but not everyone seemed to be feeling this way by the looks aimed our way. Finally, everyone went back to talking and eating—though I am sure, the buzz in the room is all about Cruz being back in town.

  Chapter 4

  Cruz

  I’d gotten used to the stares since being back in town. I hope Roxanne can take it. I feel her stiffen up beside me, since my hand is on her waist when we enter into the diner, and then she asks if I wanted to leave. I haven’t willingly run from a situation in years and I wasn’t about to start now. Part of me wants to appease her and take her somewhere, so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable but the other part of me, the defiant part refused, and it wins out.

  The waitress walked up and luckily it wasn’t anyone I knew. She took us to our table which sat in the back in a corner. Had to wonder if it was strategically done. I wait till Roxie is settled in her seat and then I followed suit. She looked gorgeous. I know, I’ve said it before but it’s the truth and I can’t say it enough, at least not to myself.

  “Hello, I’m Tara and I’ll be your waitress today. What can I get you to drink?”

  I waited for Roxanne to chime in, ladies first and all that jazz. Hey, least I could do is be a gentleman right? She ordered a cream soda and I told the waitress I’d have the same. The cream soda served here had always been excellent and a specialty of theirs.

  The waitress left and it took no time for Roxie to begin her questioning, “Okay, so are you going to tell me what I was thinking?” She peeked at me over the menu her beautiful brown eyes filled with questions.

  “Yeah, I think you didn’t expect me to listen to that kind of music. It centers me. Along with meditation and chanting it does have a bit of a calming effect.” I wasn’t about to tell her that I chanted her name every night to try to get sleep. Today it worked. I wonder if it was because my subconscious recognized how she was near. It felt like one of the best rests I’ve had in a long time.

  “Nothing wrong with using whatever will help with…” She trailed off.

  I grin at her. “Help with my demons?”

  “You said it, not I.” Roxie kept grinning back at me.

  Her brilliant smile makes me feel better. At least she recognized that I must have some demons. In thinking about it, I realize she must have some as well. Unfortunately in this life, there weren’t many who weren’t unscathed by some type of dysfunction within the all American family.

  “You owe me some answers,” Roxie said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.

  “Yes, I do. Though, I’m not sure if you’re going to like the answers you get.”

  “Let me be the judge of that Cruz. You walked out of my life. No—let me change that you were handcuffed and pulled out of my life and now you return nine years later, and I’m very curious as to why.”

  The waitress returned to take our order, so we both went quiet. The whole town looked as if they were already talking about us, so no need to give them more shit to discuss.

  “You two ready to order?”

  “I’d like to have the cheeseburger and steak fries please. I would also like grilled onions on the burger with ketchup and mayo, no mustard.” Roxie gave her menu back to the waitress.

  It felt great hearing her order and not trying to hide behind a salad. She was a healthy girl and loved her food and in turn, I reaped the benefits of it. There’d never been a girl or woman who could make me smile like the one sitting across from me. I expect that’s why having to chant her name had such a calming effect on me. My therapist said it would be best for me to come back home and close all unresolved issues and perhaps, I’d get my sanity back, then I would be able to sleep.

  Well, she hadn’t said it like that, but this is the way I see it.

  Roxanne is my fantasy and my sanity all rolled up into a beautiful girl. One with dark brown eyes, black hair along with that sweet cappuccino and cream colored skin. She moves me in ways no one else ever had. I’d never gotten the chance to tell her this. I wanted to tell her and I would. Though, I intended to also let her know that if she didn’t want me that way it was okay. I understood how life would go on after I left.

  “Sounds good and you sir?” Tara, our waitress asked.

  “I’d like to have the steak and loaded potato.” I close the menu and hand it to her.

  She nods and then leaves.

  I knew talking wasn’t far behind.

  “You do realize neither one of us ordered coffee?”

  “The night is still young, Roxie.” I laughed.

  “True, but how do you know I still want to spend time with you after this?” Her voice carries a teasing tone, even though she tries to look serious.

  I like her teasing me. “How about we eat first and I’ll tell you all about why I left after we take a walk?”

  “What about on the Boardwalk? I mean it’s well lit there and beautiful even if it’s filled with people, there are still places where it won’t be so crowded.”

  I chuckle. “You really, really want to go to the Boardwalk don’t you?”

  Her skin flushes. “Yeah, I’m acting as if I own it aren’t I? I keep pushing it at you.”

  I smile. I could still make her blush, very interesting. “It’s okay. I’ll take you wherever you’d like to go Rox. I just want to make sure you‘ve eaten before we talk about the past.” The boardwalk would be a perfect place to chat. It would get us out of town and away from where everything went crazy…A new place to perhaps, start a new chapter with her—perhaps.

  “Think I need a full stomach for what you have to say?”

  I watch as she picks up her soda, her long slim fingers wrapping around the frosty glass as she took a long sip. Damn. Roxie has the most perfectly full lips ever. I dreamt about them when I was being held by the state and when I went off to Kabul. She always remained in my thoughts. I don’t know what it was about her that made me like this. I do know I didn’t want to let it go again. “I promised to feed you, so yeah I’d feel better if you had a full stomach.”

  It’s funny how I can feel the people in the diner still staring and talking about me. More than likely, they were wondering why Roxie was sitting there with me. Then I look at Roxanne and I realize…I don’t care what they think. Then, the other part of me realizes that I’m possibly ruining her life. Roxanne deserves better than me. I’m damaged goods. I think about back when we were kids, lying under the stars at the football field on campus.

  Roxanne always planned to be an actress. She has questions and so did I. I wanted to know why she didn’t just run with her dr
eams. Why did she stay in this god forsaken town when she’d actually had talent? The boardwalk would be a place to start that kind of talk. It would also show me whether or not ‘we’ had a chance.

  When our food is brought to us, we both start to eat and try to keep it light. Idle chitchat, something I’ve never been really good at, but I try my hand at it now, seeing as we’d said we’d leave the serious talk for the walk later. “So, the motel business keeping you busy?”

  She grins “As busy as can be. Who doesn’t need a place to stay when they’re traveling?”

  “True, there’s nothing like having a place to lay your head.”

  “Dad was smart when he decided to open the hotel where he did. We never lack for customers. Loads of the people are repeat guests and being right by the interstate has definite advantages.”

  “So, where’s Macy?”

  Roxie’s eyes dim and she plays with her straw.

  I frown. What did I say wrong? Macy is Roxie’s older sister. I wait as the silence at our table deepens.

  Finally, Roxie picks up her drink and takes another sip.

  I watch her throat work as she swallows, then sets the drink down.

  “Macy’s dead.” Roxie’s voice sounds flat.

  It’s my turn to not know what to say. Roxie obviously doesn’t want to talk about her sister and I can’t say that I blame her. Death isn’t a great subject at any time, especially if it’s someone you know who is near and dear to you. Macy had only been a few years older than us. Dead? How could she possibly be dead? I must not have heard her right. My tongue feels thick and I can’t seem to form another word.

  Chapter 5

  Roxie

  I know I can’t make out like my family is a big happy family when all we are is a big fucking mess…My memory of that day is a little clouded. I’ve tried to forget it but some things can’t be forgotten. I’ve learned to block things out that I don’t want to think about. Makes life easier when I do it, I can’t count how many times blocking has come in handy. This is what I remember from 7 years ago.